Roaring Tigers

This video went viral and had over 5 million views in just one week. It was concise, funny, and to the point. Yet in some weird, twisted way, while obviously exaggerated, this video revealed some truth regarding Asian moms and stereotypes. The video itself was very simple. It had one Asian male dressed up as an Asian mother and lashing out ridiculous sayings and things to their kids.

Although this video is a little bit exaggerated, I believe that it is still reflective of Asian moms, aka tiger moms. Sure, my mom did not yell “B is for bitch” when I came home with a B on my report card; nevertheless, she would be disappointed in me and as punishment, she would take away my privileges like watching TV, surfing the net, or going out until I pull my grades up.

Ever since first grade, I had to attend multiple after school tutor sessions. My mom was always afraid that I would be behind in school. You may wonder, what is so difficult in first grade that a tutor is necessary? Tutoring sessions did not only cover materials taught in class, it was also about “previewing” materials, planning for the future, covering materials in second grade. In my mom’s mind, being prepared ahead of time is always for the best.

On top of homework from school, cram schools also assigned homework and tests. I remember attending a math institution with my neighbor. One day at home, I heard my mom yell my name. I immediately recognized the anger in her roar. She was mad. I am in deep trouble I thought to myself. What did I do wrong this time? I reflected on the day and could not think of what I did wrong as I quickly hustled in my room to see my mom holding a test paper she found in my backpack.

“What kind of grade is this?!” She yelled as she pointed on the 82% on the paper.

I remained silent, as I don’t recall getting this grade. Then, I remembered I picked up my neighbor’s test for her since she was sick and wasn’t able to attend class.

“Mom, it’s not my test.” I answered, as I felt relieved.

Instantly, similar to the video when the Asian mom picked up the phone and had a change of tone immediately, my tiger mom smiled and said nothing more.

Another point that the video brought up that I have personally experienced is that Asian moms are constantly comparing their children. My mom always compared me with other children who did better in school. She would praise them and scorn me for not being good enough. However, this is not a fair game. Since if I ever complained about anything in the household, my mom would tell me to “go join other family.” That was her ultimate line to anything I said, whether or not I made sense or not, tiger moms are always right. Even if I reasoned with her, instead of admitting fault, she would simply ask me to be someone else’s children. By then, there was no come back that I could think of to retaliate.  

She wins again.

Most people will watch the video, laugh at how ridiculous the heavy accent is and the statements she makes. To them, those are the key points. But for me, it is nice to know that I am not alone after all!

Training = Spanking

So besides the basic requirements such as sending their children to learn how to play instruments, pressuring their children to get only A’s in school, and asserting the “do as I say” attitude, what else are there about Tiger Moms?

Aside from all the well-known and infamous qualities of an Asian mom, I am here to reveal the other secrets of the tiger mom that you never know about. Mentioned in previous posts, Tiger Moms believe that they know 'best' from their experiences, and based on their knowledge they have gained in life, they are setting their children up for the best future possible. They are doing this for the children’s good, and they should not question but rather be thankful. Do Western parents not care for their kids then?

Personally, I think the main difference between Western parenting and Chinese parenting is that Chinese parenting is based on fear while Western parenting is based on rewards. For Chinese parents, it is acceptable to hit their children if they did something wrong or didn’t achieve the expectations. However, as the society becomes more aware of domestic violence and individual rights and freedom, Chinese parents no longer spank their children like they did before in order to not get in trouble with the law.

Unluckily, I did experience the spanking era. Amazingly enough, as the Westerners will soon find out, the spanking was not only at home, but also in schools. Before attending the International School, I went to a private local school in Taiwan. Ever since first grade, spanking was already a common way to “tame” the youngsters. So when exactly did the teachers spank the students? From being late, to showing a slight attitude, to even wanting to use the restroom too often. Pretty much whenever the teacher felt was appropriate and necessary!

You may wonder, are parents against this? You may be surprised to find out that parents are actually all for this. Parents often ask the teachers to be stricter and spank their children. Chinese parents believe that the teachers are “disciplining” their children for them so that they would be more obedient in schools and homes. Teachers would spank students when they are loud in class, talk without permission, and most importantly, when students get a lower grade than a 90%.

The rule was, one percent lower than 90% was equivalent to 1 spank on the hand. Forgot your textbook? That means another spank on the hand, sometimes even worthy of two hits! I still remember in first grade when tests were returned, every student with a grade lower than 90% had to stand in front of the class in a line with their palms facing up as the teacher spanks each student with a ruler or sometimes worse, a wooden stick. Besides these, parents and teachers would utilize other tools as well to spank such as hangers, kitchen utensils, even with a belt. In American universities, students try to find out which professors are more fun, give out less homework, or make easier exams. But in my elementary school, teachers were known for how strict they are and how often they use physical punishments, or even what tools they used.

The pain does not end in school. Back at home, parents also use fear as the means to “training” their children. What are some common ways Chinese parents utilize besides spanking? Think locking you in a dark room, or outside on the balcony. Sometimes it may just be facing the wall for an hour standing, as it is a time of reflection on what you did wrong. I remember when I was young I was always scared to do something wrong, because that meant pain and punishments! However, I was also rewarded if I did well in school. I remember when I first learned the alphabetical order my mom would be holding a hanger and spanking me whenever I got an alphabet wrong. Only when I finally got everything correct, I was rewarded with a trip to McDonalds.

On the other hand, Westerners use reward as encouragement for what their children have done right. If they do well in school, they will receive rewards. If they didn’t do well in school, parents were encouraging and would try to find ways to help. I still remember when I first transferred to Taipei American School, I was so happy that there was no physical punishment and you were rewarded for everything that you do right. “Life was so easy and free,” I thought to myself.

Are you surprised to hear about how rough Chinese parenting styles are? Coming in from a background of Chinese and American education, I am now more aware of the different educational styles and can fairly assess both styles. While it is not my job to say which system is better and more productive, it is my job as a cub to reveal the secrets behind the Tiger Moms.

Tiger Mom's Parenting

So what do others have to say about tiger moms? Initially, I attempted to find scholarly journals with the key word “tiger mom”, but the results were scarce and the articles were very basic as they merely defined the phenomena without providing much explanation. In fact, most of the articles were referring to the animal.

Then I focused my research on Chinese parenting, a topic that offered more refined searches. After reading a few articles, I noticed that many sources relate parenting to socialization and explore the relationship between different parenting styles. The journals were mostly studies related to family relations.

One article that made a strong impression on me is the research done by DePaul and Duke University professors called "Maternal Socialization Goals, Parenting Styles, and Social-Emotional Adjustment Among Chinese and European American Young Adults: Testing a Mediation Model." Their research compared the relationship between parenting and socialization goals. Socialization, according to Li, Costanzo, and Putallaz, involves the process for young adults and kids to learn from others at the early days of life, providing individuals the skills and habits they require to survive in society. Socialization goals, moreover, describes the end result of socialization which is the moral outcomes after individuals have learned at a young age.

Furthermore, the paper focuses on socialization goals that are important both to Chinese and European Americans and similarities and differences were examined. The obvious difference between Chinese and European Americans is their socialization goals. Research has shown that European American mothers emphasize self development goals more vigorously than do Chinese mothers while Chinese mothers place a greater emphasis on developing the value of filial piety in their children. The other two sources I found also address the role parenting plays in the socialization of children and further explore how Chinese parenting often leads to certain values that may differ from those developed by Western parenting. These values, I argue, allowed the creation of “tiger moms.”

One value, filial piety, became a prominent theme throughout my initial research. Filial piety, defined in the article as respecting elderly and the sense of responsibility for taking care of your elders as well as obeying them, is mentioned as one of the primary reason for the differences in Western versus Chinese parenting in many families today.

Speaking from personal experience, filial piety is a value that was instilled in me very early on. I was expected to follow my mom’s words because the elders always know best. If I follow what they say, I will have a bright future. The important thing is, the bright future is not only for me, it is for them as well. Besides respecting the elders, taking care of your parents when they grow old is also a big part of filial piety. Here’s what a conversation with my mom would sound like.

“Why are grades so important? They don’t necessary reflect how much I learn in school,” I questioned.

“How else are you going to make a lot of money?”

“I don’t need to make a lot of money to be happy though,” I answered.

“But you need to make a lot of money for me, because I want to move into a penthouse.”

Maybe you are asking why I need to fulfill my mom’s wishes? This is because of the Chinese belief that children own it to their parents for fostering and nurturing them. In return, it is the children’s responsibility to repay their parents when they grow old. On the other hand, in the Western culture, parents believe that it is their responsibility to take care of their children until legal age, then their responsibility is done. They do not ask for anything in return. This may also be one of the reasons why Western parents are more open to what their children want.

Perhaps it is the idea of always obeying one's elders that gives the mom the mindset to rear their child any way possible. By exploring these values more deeply, I believe that I will be able to understand the creation of tiger moms and better understand the dilemma.

Hear the Tiger Kid Roar

Is your mom a tiger mom too? Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mom is a book by Amy Chua published in 2011 that became a hotly debated topic among individuals. The book coined and popularized the word “tiger mom” and now it is widely used to describe Asian moms.

So what exactly are Asian moms like? Or what describes a tiger mom? A tiger mom now portrays moms who practice strict child rearing, which most commonly refers to Asian moms who practice traditional parenting. In my definition, traditional parenting is when parents set extreme boundaries for their children and restricts them from many activities such as sleepovers or other social activities that they believe may hinder academics. It also means setting high objectives for their children such as getting into Harvard for college.

Now, I certainly can relate to the word “tiger mom”. The descriptions of a tiger mom fits my mom’s characteristics; it is then when I realized I am not alone. My mom is indeed a typical Asian parent who expects the best out of me. Like Amy Chua’s children, I was put in a Western education system, which is the trigger of the arising conflicts between a tiger mom and a “hybrid” kid.

I was born and raised in Taipei, Taiwan. However, I attended an international school called Taipei American School since 5th grade. The school is an American based institution that emphasizes on Western values and strives to educate students to become creative thinkers, healthy individuals, and versatile learners. The conflict now arises since back at home I have a mom who preaches on traditional Chinese values and exemplifies all the qualities of a tiger mom. While in school I am encouraged to explore my talents and build on my individuality, my mother already has everything planned out for me in terms of what will be best for my future. Like all other tiger moms, my mom expects me to work hard and do well in school, which means getting straight A’s. On the other hand, the school preaches on the importance of extracurricular activities and development of your hobby. What should I do? Should I go home to study so I can achieve the highest GPA possible or should I stay in school to join a club and enrich myself through activities?

Why put your kids in an American based institution if you still want to exercise traditional parenting is often the question I have towards my mom. However, of course, I never had the chance to speak up to her since that would be considered disrespectful and rude. My mom believes that the Western education is better than the Chinese education and by studying in the United States, it will ensure a better future. How ironic! The reason to put me in a Western institution is based on a tiger mom’s hope to pave the path to success for her children.

What’s more ironic is my mom believes that the Western education system is superior because it encourages creativity and open mindedness. Western education focuses on making individuals and students express their concerns and ideas openly with their teachers. However, in the Eastern education system, the teacher is the knowledge provider and the authority; thus, the teacher should not be questioned. By putting me through the western education system, she would like me to explore my talent and develop myself; however, she was against the idea of me majoring in fine arts. Like any other tiger moms, she believes that being a business major guarantees a more stable future than that of fine arts major. Once again, on one hand, my tiger mom wants me to learn from the Western education system and develop my interest and learn to have a voice and personality; on the other hand, she’s infringing on my development by making life decisions for me. Now I am confused.

Exploring on what a tiger mom is like and looking at tiger moms through personal experience, I would like to share my experience as the kid who has been through it all. Not only am I relating with those like me, but also it is to speak up to the tiger moms out there since I’m sure the cubs never had the chance to! So listen up, it is time to hear a cub roar.