ClownInPathos

Recently I came across an interesting blog that caught my attention. The blog name is ClownInPathos. While the blog is not scholastically or professionally written, the blogger focuses on expressing her thoughts and problems that she encountered in her life as a Chinese-American. Lan Lin is a 24 year old woman raised in United States with Asian parents, and she offers deep insights into the clash of the two cultures and the misery of being brought up in a Chinese household with strict child-rearing styles. Similar to my blogs as I address the issues in Asian households from my perspective as a child who have experienced both cultures, Lan Lin also voices her frustrations and problems of Asian parenting that are so evident in Asian American families, yet often times ignored. She believes that by openly blogging, she is stepping up and making the issue apparent despite how Asians are taught to ignore these problems. Her intended purpose to blog is to have a platform where she can share her lessons as a child who suffered from lack of good parenting to other unhappy Chinese American kids growing up. Lan would like to share her thoughts on the things that should be avoided “to raise a well-adjusted adult.” For this reason, she blogs consistently on an average of 4 times a month through livejournal, which is ranked 118 on alexa. 

Even though Lan Lin started the blog to address the issues of Chinese parenting, many of her posts are merely her frustrations, and thoughts as a child torwards her own parents. She shares her personal experience through her story telling and engages the audience with actual happenings in her life as a child in a Chinese household. Similar to my blogs, I also share my experience and thoughts on Chinese parenting though my personal experience. However, while I am still confused and still figuring out the dilemma of being a Chinese who have encountered American values and explaining the clashes I have witnessed, Lan Lin takes a strong stand in her posts and voices her thoughts extremely as she takes on a side against Chinese parenting and believes that her parents have caused her depression and were unsuccessful in raising her.

For example, one of her posts “ My Mom’s Reaction” talks about the first time she letting her mom know about her depression and how unhappy she was due to her mother’s tough, pessimistic child rearing. This was something that I have never thought about, confronting my mom about the clash in values and culture back at home and at school. The reason why I haven’t is because I was afraid of getting the same answers that Lan Lin’s mom gave her. “You’re scary, don’t think of these things.” I was scared that my mom would look at me differently, and think that I am not grateful for the things she has provided for me and will look at this discussion on the clash of values as more of an argument initiator (which I will want to avoid).  Also, my mom might think that I am being rebellious because in Asia, we are taught to keep our mouth shut and power through. But like Lan says, “[my mom] never actually saw me unhappy,” because when I was around her I was too busy being a role model she wanted me to be. At the end of Lan’s talk, her mom didn’t believe what she was saying, claiming, “Lan seemed fine growing up, I never saw [Lan] unhappy, I remember times when [Lan] were doing pretty good, [Lan] did so well in school.” Once again, we see the emphasis on academic excellence and how doing well in school was equivalent to the overall well-being of a child. However, for Lan, she got what was on her mind off her chests, which was the difficulty of growing up. She didn’t talk to her mom for her mom, but for herself, and that is an action that I wish I have the courage to do one day: to be upfront with my mother.

Similar to my work, she also lists the different values evident in the two cultures as seen in the post “American Ideals vs. AsianTrauma”. While one of my previous blog posts (whoever remembers gets a prize!) focused primarily on the optimism of Americans and pessimisms of Asians, Lan went beyond those values and explored other concepts including “saving faces, ma fan, and nans”. Ma fan, which means troublesome, and nans, which means difficulties, are all concepts that I think many Asians can relate to. “Don’t bother other people too much if you can, and overcome difficulties in your life” was often what Asian kids like me were brought up to believe. However, I want to talk about saving face, a phrase and concept that is very unfamiliar to Westerners. In Asia, parents take great pride in the family, and that pride is called face in Asia. If the kids, or someone in the family, fail in being successful or in accomplishing something, the family loses its pride, and thus, face. For this reason, every Asian parent wants to have lots of face so they continue to push their kids to earn face in the household. This is also the primary reason that Lan says why Asians are so negative because “they are afraid to lose face, so they don’t try anything that’s ma fan and nans.” Also, this explains why Asian parents are so strict with their children and expects them to succeed in school.

While Lan’s insight into Chinese parenting was detailed, she was also very biased in terms of her viewpoints. In her own words, “everything positive about me, I associate with the American culture. Everything negative about me, I associate with the Chinese culture.” Because of this bias thought, sometimes her examples can be extreme, so definitely be wary of that. That’s also why on my blogs you will never see me expressing any favoritism towards different parenting styles, because I want to be fair to both sides and I don’t think Chinese parenting has caused me to be miserable in life. On the contrary, even though I complain on some aspects of Chinese parenting, I think Chinese parenting has done me good (I am a happy Trojan). However, blogs like Lan’s will help me understand each side a little better and help me gain a better understanding of Chinese parenting and be able to compare my experience to hers.

My Bookmarking Soulmate

Through the social media-networking site Del.icio.us, I was able to find my “bookmarking soul mate”: Flogus. Similar to my blog topics on Chinese parenting, specifically on the relationship between Tiger Moms and their children, Flogus bookmark topics on Chinese parenting and Amy Chua extensively. Flogus has roughly bookmarked 30 links overall and bookmarks on an average of 5 times every month. Furthermore, the articles are not specifically categorized under tags since the articles regarding Tiger Mothers or Chinese parenting are all categorized either under the tag name “parenting” or “Chua”. Even though Flogus does not thoroughly bookmark and add relevant tags or comments, all the tagged articles are very useful articles that cover a broad range of information on the topic of Chinese parenting. Some articles are based on reactions to the book or Amy Chua’s parenting style; others are on whether or not Chinese parenting style is superior to American style. Lastly, the discussion of child rearing is also covered in his bookmarked pages.

Through Flogus link, the two sites that I found very interesting are “Why this Chinese Mother Chose to Evolve” and “Why AmericanMothers are Superior.” Both articles provide different insights on child-rearing and different perspectives on parenting styles that further discusse the topics touched upon by Amy Chua in the book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother.

One of Flogus’ bookmarks caught my eye immediately, it was “Why this Chinese Mother Chose to Evolve” by Patty Chang. Before reading the article, I was excited because I thought this article must be about the shift in Chinese parenting towards a more liberal one. As a hybrid child, who went to an international school but raised in Taiwan, I thought this article must pertained to me. However, after reading the article, I was dumbfounded because Patty went beyond explaining simple parenting styles and into the specific values in parenting, more importantly, how those values are subjective.

In the article, Patty talked about her experience growing up under strict Chinese parenting, and how she feared of failing. Her parents were always pushing her to be # 1 so she can be successful. Now 30, Patty went through an Ivy League school and works at a high profiled media company making lots of money. In everyway, she has accomplished what her parents wanted. Nobody can argue her success, or can they?

She pointed out despite all the success, she would wake up in the middle of the night with fingernail imprints on her clenched palms and her inability to get pregnant. She felt like a failure. Then, she adopted a child, G, that changed her outlooks.

Despite Patty trying to work G, G just wasn’t good at academics, and her turrets syndrome didn't help. She hates reading, but loves sports. She can’t do math, but excels in creative writing. More importantly, she is happy and full of energy. For Patty, she sees more success in G than she sees in herself. If the tough love of Chinese parenting is based off deep love, then the parents shouldn’t compare their children, but rather, foster a unique relationship that allow them to do what they want to do. Success is very subjective, and for the reason, Patty decides to evolve her definition of success for G, out of deep, true, love.

This article is so interesting to me because it didn’t only state that parenting needs to evolve, but why. At the end of the day, all the parents want the best for their child, but what is best? This article takes the readers into a different path and evaluates parenting styles through the definition of success.

Another article that grabbed my attention was “Why AmericanMothers are Superior” by Annmaria De Mars. The title itself made it apparent for me that it must be a response to Amy Chua’s article. I was excited to see what Annmaria has to say, especially because she boldly states that American mothers are superior and it’s a direct opposition to Chua’s article “WhyChinese Mothers are Superior.” In this article, Annmaria practically said that she is the same person as Amy Chua with very different parenting styles. Amy Chua is a professor at Yale, and Annmaria is a P.H.D. who won several awards. Annmaria attacked the fact that Amy Chua doesn’t have the credentials to boast because all her kids haven’t even made it out of school (one in college and one in high school). Annmaria, however, has three children that have all graduated and are doing really well in life. One is an award-winning journalist, one is a teacher teaching inner-city children, and the last one is an Olympian medalists. Annmaria took a very interesting approach and challenged Chua by comparing her children to Chua’s and made the opposing argument, which shows the American side of the story. Her perspective as an American parent deepens our understanding on the two different cultures of parenting.

These two articles are what I found most interesting; go check out the other articles Flogus has bookmarked to learn more about Tiger Moms and share which ones stood out for you! 

A Hybrid Tiger?

Yale? Still not good enough for Tiger Moms evidently. We all know education is highly valued by Chinese moms, aka, Tiger Moms. This is not something new. Tiger Mom’s emphasis on education and academic success is why we have the stereotypes of Asians being good at math or Asians being smart. But are Asians genetically just smarter or like to study? I don’t think so! (I definitely do not like to study) Even though education is highly emphasized in Asian households, it is important to note that it is not the learning process that is important to Tiger Moms, but the results that matter. It is purely the belief that academic success will lead to future life success such as getting a good job. And of course, the definition of a good job is simply a high paying one. We all know success does not mean a high degree in school, look at Bill Gates and Steve Jobs! Nevertheless, one of the most prominent features of Tiger Moms is their requirement of a GPA of 4.0. So ultimately, what matters is not the learning, but the grades. For this reason, a lot of Chinese children are taught to memorize equations, formulas, rather than truly understand how to get those results.

Similarly, my Tiger Mom is the same. She did not care what I was learning in school or whether or not I learned anything, as long as the final results at the end of the semester was an A on the report card. As I mentioned in earlier blogs, the demand for success is due to the traditional expectation that children will support their parents when they grow old. This is an important Confucius value “xiao” that is greatly emphasized and also is in relationship of filial piety.

On the other hand, do Western parents really not care about education? It is said that both Asian parents and Western parents want the best for their children, but the definition of best differs. For Asian parents, it is for their children to have a successful career and make as much money as possible in order to give back to the family. On the other hand, Western parents are said to emphasize more on happiness and children are allowed to explore their own passions. Research has shown that this differentiation is often times due to cultural differences. However, as the world becomes more international and global, we have immigrants in America such as Amy Chua who are still practicing the strict Chinese child- rearing way. Is this passing on of culture going to continue and will Tiger Moms still exist?

Children of second generation in United States, or in my example, being able to attend an international school, picking up ideas from the Western environment that stresses the importance of exploring your passion, doing what you love, may slowly assimilate ourselves into the Western culture. With the publish of the book, there are many responses from both the Western and Eastern side on whether or not Chinese parenting is superior. Interestingly, there is no consensus, as some Westerners believe it is superior while some Asians go firmly against it. There is no clear distinction between the two ethnicities and their thoughts on Chinese parenting, so is culture really what differentiates the two parenting styles? After the publication of the book, more conversations have taken place regarding some practices in Chinese parenting that are seen as "immoral". Will there be the perfect way of parenting or will there be a middle ground as both sides of the parents reflect on their styles? Will second generation kids who have Tiger Moms become one themselves after complaining on the strict rearing methods they’ve been through themselves? Maybe a hybrid parenting style?

What do you think?